刚才跟朋友聊到心理健康，突然想到pedro之前提过相关的话题，谷歌了一下，查到了这篇博客。
写字条理清晰的人真是，一篇文章看下来感觉气都顺了。就好像，生活的无序感又被梳理清楚了一点点，眼镜擦干净世界又清明了一点点。
之前看paul graham的on writing这篇文章也是，说：
I think it’s far more important to write well than most people realize. Writing doesn’t just communicate ideas; it generates them. If you’re bad at writing and don’t like to do it, you’ll miss out on most of the ideas writing would have generated.
Paul Graham
还是值得把思绪梳理出来的。
翻看以前的读书笔记：
We are compelled to reach for things we supposedly need but really don’t. We don’t need to check our email right this second or need to see the latest trending news, no matter how much we feel we must.
Even when we think we’re seeking pleasure, we’re actually driven by the desire to free ourselves from the pain of wanting. Most people don’t want to acknowledge the uncomfortable truth that distraction is always an unhealthy escape from reality.
As is the case with all human behavior, distraction is just another way our brains attempt to deal with pain.
We fail to have fun because we don’t take things seriously enough, not because we take them so seriously that we’d have to cut their bitter taste with sugar. The idea is to pay such close attention that you find new challenges you didn’t see before.
Operating under constraints, Bogost says, is the key to creativity and fun. Play doesn’t have to be pleasurable. It just has to hold our attention.
这周看了一本书，Garbor maté 的《the myth of normal》。书厚是真的厚，内容也紧实，哪怕一本书40%都是参考文献，一般一两天就翻完一本书的我也生生啃了一个星期。
看得有点心惊肉跳，很多身体疾病其实都是自我压抑造成的。
最常见的大概是压力大造成胃溃疡，好歹大家都还觉得理所当然。更少见一点的比如像是渐冻症这样的病，几乎所有的病患都有同样的性格——老好人，从来不挑起争端，总以他人的需求优先，无限压抑自我。这样的逻辑联系是如此明显，以至于在病人切片结果出来之前，护士都看得出来访者到底有没有渐冻症：『这人不可能是渐冻症，他没那么老好人』，而他们的判断几乎从不出错。
这些疾病都与性格有着紧密的联系：癌症、自体免疫性疾病、顽疾的皮肤病、偏头痛、纤维肌痛、子宫内膜异位、肌痛性脑脊髓炎，等等等等。这样的人一般有一个或多个如下特点：
而这些特点都有一个共性：下意识的自我压抑。
比如对于愤怒的压抑：
One healthy response to assault for any sentient creature is anger, a function of the evolutionary RAGE system in the brain whose purpose is to defend our boundaries, physical or emotional.
My fiend Dr. Julie Holland’s comment about women’s anger being subdued to the detriment of their health tracks invariably with my observation among people with depression, autoimmune disease, and cancer.
There is an unhealthy kind of guilt: a chronic conviction that we’re innately blameworthy and should expect, or even deserve, punishment or reproach. In this dim light our faults and failings become evidence of our redeemable lowliness rather than invitations to grow and to do better. This type of guilt, or the fear of it, often strangles a robust “no,” smothering self-assertion: the prospect of others’ disapproval or disappointment triggers the intolerable conviction that we are bad, wrong, inexcusable. Left unchecked, it augurs physical or mental distress, as we have witnessed in stories throughout this book. Many people suffer a corrosive, automatic gait and shame if they so much as contemplate letting others down, treating their own needs as valuable, or acting on their own behalf.
因为成长的过程中，父母的爱是有条件的，不压抑自我就只有被依恋对象抛弃：
Neufeld sums up eloquently what all young ones, whatever their temperament, need first and foremost: “Children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are.”
With that in mind, the parents’ primary task, beyond providing for the child’s survival requirements, is to emanate a simple message to the child in word, deed and most of all energetic presence, that he or she is precisely the person they love, welcome, and want.
The child doesn’t have to do anything, or be any different, to win that love–in fact, cannot do anything, because this abiding embrace cannot be earned, nor can it be revoked. It doesn’t depend on the child’s behaviour or personality; it is just there, whether the child is showing up as “good” or “bad,” “naughty” or “nice.” We understand and respond to the needs and emotions the child is “acting out” on, rather than simply punishing the behaviour and banishing the feeling.
作者说，他自己的工作狂倾向也来自于此：
My own workaholism as a physician earned me much respect, gratitude, remuneration, and status in the world, even as it undermined my mental health and my family’s emotional balance. And why was I a workaholic? Because, stemming from my early experiences, I needed to be needed, wanted, and admired as substitute for love. I never consciously decided to be driven that way, and yet it “worked” allot well for me in the social and professional realms.
Oddly as it may sound, it was the best worst option. A suffering child has two possible options when it comes to processing her experience (of only the “good” parts of her being validated). She can conclude either that the people she relies on for love are incompetent, malicious, or otherwise ill-suited the task, and she is all alone in this scary world; or that herself is to blame for, well, everything.
As painful as the latter explanation is, it is far preferable to the other one, which paints a life-threatening picture for a young being with zero power or recourse. The first option is not an option at all. Better to believe “It’s my fault; I’m bad,” which lets you believe there’s the chance that “if I work hard and be good, I will be lovable.” Thus, even the debilitating belief in one’s unworthiness, nearly universal among people with mental health diagnoses and addictions, begins as a coping mechanism.
我自己很久以来也是，很多时候我每天可以说是强迫性地画画或者学习，与其说是100%的热爱，不如说更多是想要被喜欢：如果我再厉害一点，就可以被爱了吧！但是就像作者形容的一样，这种成瘾性的努力，跟其他的成瘾性都有一个共同之处：就是，让你上瘾的这个东西永远不会真正地让你满足。它给你的永远是一种暂时的、几乎满足的——温暖、被接受的感觉。然而，就像我贴出一张画有很多赞让我暂时满足了被爱的需求一样，其实它也同时强化了我的认知：只要厉害就会被喜欢。
然而这些喜欢是太过肤浅的喜欢，完全无法满足我底层真正的需求：just being accepted and loved as I am, without good behaviours or achievements. 而这样的爱，是建立在时日浇灌出的深厚的联结与深度信任之上，一种彻底的接受、爱，与non-judgement。
它的产生有几个条件：
一个人最开始吸引你的也许是外表或者成就这种表面的东西，但是真正带来满足的是，因为最初的火花吸引而慢慢深入了解一个人，建立了双向信任以后，至少一定程度上无条件与包容的爱。
所以，出路大概是：
把完整的自己找回来，与自己和解。
在把《i feel guilty when I say no》从kindle里删掉之前，概括一下整本书里最有意思的几段逻辑：
“Do you mean that I should never give a friend a reason for what I want to do or why I want to do it?”
To this question, I give them this obvious answer: “If you and your friend have the same specific goal and are working together on it, two minds are usually better than one in figuring out ways to solve a problem. However, we are covering situations where there is a conflict and there is no apparent common goal. You want one thing and your friend wants something else. Give reasons for what you want and your friend will come up with equally valid reasons for what he wants. Giving reasons during conflict to justify or defend a viewpoint is just as manipulative as giving reasons to attack that viewpoint. Neither of these routes is an honest assertive I want that can lead to a workable compromise of interests to quickly resolve the conflict.”
而且，这种妥协也不见得非要公平不可：
People often naively insist that these compromises should be fair ones. They often seem a bit shocked when I respond to them with: “Compromises don’t have to be fair to be useful. All they have to do is work! Where did you read that life is fair?”
事情本身没有对错与规则，只有行为与相对应的责任：
In training you to attach emotionally loaded ideas like good or bad to your minor actions, Mom is conditioning you to think according to vague general rules that “should” be followed. The flaw in this conditioning process is that these abstract rules are so general they can be interpreted in any way desired, in the same circumstances.
Mom rarely tells you: “Thank you. I like it very much when you clean up your room,” or even “It must really bug you when I make you do your room over, but that’s exactly what I want you to do”. Not knowing how to be assertive, parents fall back upon the efficient emotional manipulation taught to them by their parents, instead of assuming the frank, honest responsibility of taking authority: “I want you to…“
With statements like these, Mom teaches you that whatever Mom wants is important simply because she wants it. And that is the truth. You are not led into feeling anxious or guilty or unloved because you don’t like what Mom wants. You are not taught that what Mom likes is good and what she dislikes is bad. If she uses simple assertive statements of “I want,” there are no unspoken implications that arbitrary rules “should” be followed, and therefore “good” children are loved and “bad” ones are not. You don’t even have to like what Mom wants you to do; you only have to do it!
因为几个月前考虑『说不不能』的事情，当时下了一本书，叫《i feel guilty when I say no》，最近有时翻翻这本书，就觉得挺有意思的。今日引用：
虽然听起来很矛盾，但是听到批评就要崩溃的人听到表扬也同样不知道手脚要哪里放。我们很多人，听到表扬就结结巴巴，低声嘟哝，摆弄帽子手指，一副很不好意思的样子，然后立刻转移话题。
这跟谦虚没什么关系。It has roots in our childish belief that other people are the real judges of our actions. 它的根源是，我们幼稚地以为，别人才是我们行为的审判者。
If, on the other hand, we are independently assertive in our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, we reserve the final judgement of actions, even the positive ones, to ourselves. 与之相对的，如果我们认为自己无论是思想、感情还是行为都是独立自主的，那我们就会自己去判断自己的行为优劣几何，哪怕对待赞扬也同样处理。这样笃定的态度并不会让你无法接受赞扬，相反，你只是自己来判断对别人的赞扬是同意还是不同意而已。
所以我在想，人们之所以会觉得害羞的角色可爱，是因为对方有被肯定的心理需求，对他人总是身处一种有求于人的弱势吧！简而言之就是好控制。是不是有点sm跟praise kink的味道了，哈哈哈=v=
Josh在the art of learning里说：
Two questions arise. First, what is the difference that allows some to fit into that narrow window at the top? And second, what’s the point? If ambition spells probable disappointment, why pursue excellence?
In my opinion, the answer to both questions lies in a well-thought-out approach that inspires resilience, the ability to make connections between diverse pursuits, and day-to-day enjoyment of the process.
In my experience, successful people shoot for the stars, put their hearts on the line in every battle, and ultimately discover that the lessons learned from the pursuit of excellence mean more than the immediate trophies and glory.
In the long run, painful losses may prove much more valuable than wins–those who are armed with a healthy attitude and are able to draw wisdom from every experience, “good” or “bad”, are the ones who make it down the way. They are also the ones who are happier along the way.
Of course the real challenge is to stay in range of this long-term perspective when you are under fire and hurting in the middle of the war. This, maybe our biggest hurdle, is at the core of the art of learning.
但是school of life的a job to love里也提到说，有时候good enough就够了。大部分人总是看到别人镁光灯下的样子，朋友也好明星也好，愿意展现出来的时候总是最好的状态，所以以为除了自己是loser，其他人都是人生赢家。其实现实就是现实，每个人都有少数快乐的时候，低谷的时候，大部分也只是平平淡淡：
Good enough work
It sounds a bit awful to tell others (or ourselves) not to aim too high. It can come across as sour and defeatist. Sometimes, of course, it is just that. But at other points, it can be deeply wise and generous advice, because it combats the strange and powerful way we have of unfairly attacking ourselves for not living up to imagined ideals.
This move of undercutting our reckless perfectionism was first developed by the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s. Winnicott specialised in relationships between parents and children. In his clinical practice, he often met with parents who were trying their best to be everything to their children and yet were in despair. The parents were angry and frustrated at how far from their ideals their family lives were turning out to be: the children might be withdrawn or naughty, the parents might be tired and irritable. Hopes had often curdled into desperate frustration.
Winnicott’s crucial insight was that the parents’ agony was coming from a particular place: they were trying too hard. To help them, he developed a charming and highly practical concept of what he called ‘the good enough parent’. Children, he insisted, don’t need an ideal parent. They very much need an OK, pretty decent, usually well-intentioned and generally, but not always, warm and reasonable father or mother. This wasn’t because Winnicott liked to settle for second best, but rather because he realised that, in order to become well-balanced, robust and enduring souls (a very big ambition in reality), we need to cope with imperfection and resist torturing ourselves trying to be what no ordinary human can be.
The concept of ‘good enough’ was invented to give dignity to a failure to live up to a punishing, counter-productive ideal. It pointed out that much that is really important goes on at a much lower level than the flawless and problem-free. Winnicott was trying to tell parents that ‘good enough’ is a saner and therefore more honourable goal.
With Winnicott’s advice to parents in mind, we could usefully develop the notion of a good enough job. A good enough job has the normal, full range of defects: it’s a bit boring at some points, it has fiddly, frustrating aspects; it involves times of anxiety; you have to put up with occasionally being judged by people you don’t especially respect; it doesn’t perfectly utilise all your merits; you are never going to make a fortune; sometimes you have to cut corners when you’d rather not; you have to be polite to some rather irritating people; your best ideas won’t always get taken up; certain rivals will in all probability surpass you; and there will be days when you wonder how you could have been such an idiot as to get involved in this in the first place.
But, in a good enough job, along the way there will be plenty of positive aspects. You’ll make some close friends; you’ll have times of real excitement; you’ll quite often see that your best efforts are recognised and rewarded; you’ll appreciate the overall worthwhile direction of what you and the rest of the team are doing; you’ll finish many days tired but with a sense of accomplishment.
The public probably won’t be singing your praises; you won’t get to the very top; you won’t single-handedly change the world; many of the early fantasies of what a career might be will gently drop aside. But you will know that you work with honour and dignity and that, in a quiet, mature, non-starry-eyed but very real way, you love your job enough. And that is, in itself, a very grand achievement.
所以我在考虑两个问题：
最近总是事多，不是一件事就是另一件事，之前是值班一个月，最近是突然决定还是简单办个婚礼的事情。再简单还是各种需要计划啊！！所以我就在想，既然重压之下是生活常态了，能不能更合理地与它共存呢？
所以今天早上，工作等CI之类的间隙，在重看之前看的一本书，《the upsides of stress》。基本就是说压力不全是坏事，说它只有坏处是很久以前的理论，就是因为以前太流行了，现在要改变人们的观点就变得很难。
与其说压力是只能触发『fight or flight』的生理反应，不如说压力是只有当你太在乎一件事情的时候，身体才会做出的反应，而这反应可以有很多种：fight, escape, engage, connect, find meaning and grow。至于下意识触发哪一种反应，是可以有意识训练自己转变的。
有的人生理上就不大容易被压力影响，所以发生各种事情带来的情感波动就小，事情过后对他们的影响也小，他们能获得的心理成长也相对小一些。其他人心中的水面，投入同一块石头起的涟漪就可以很大，所以他们经历的情感更丰富，潜在能够获得的成长也更大。就像以前写过的一样，艺术的产出，写东西也好画画也好音乐也好，都是需要情感来丰富与支撑的，所以，感受到压力，不如说是感受到意义的存在，可以把这种能量变成艺术的结晶挤出来，啊哈哈哈。
这也就回到了『意义』的话题上。
之所以能够受压，是因为在乎。而在乎是一种很难得的心情，只有在乎才会越过『一时兴起』，才会愿意对一件事倾注时间与努力。所以，我为之辗转反复，最终在乎的到底是什么？为了履行我的价值观，我可以为之做出什么？这才是活着的意义所在啊。
Interestingly, I first came into personal contact with gender nonconforming through Genshin Impact.
Previously, I’ve had my fair share of recruiting emails containing the recruiters’ pronouns right in the subject, and I’ve always thought it funny. First of all, 99 out of 100 times people don’t reply to recruiters. And even if they do, well, you don’t refer to your recipients in the third-person. So why bother?
It’s like walking down the street with every stranger I nod hello to handing me a flyer of user-manual, indicating the list of items they get offended by, so I can avoid doing so unintentionally. For better or for worse, this is the direction future is heading, as people have increasingly little common ground to stand on.
昨天跟p说起这件事，他说：大概是为了保持一种形象吧！他们想要让收信的人知道他们是心态开放的人，想给对方留个好印象。
记得大概一年前elon musk好像有发过一条推特，大意是说无性别称呼很蠢的，然后被很多人骂了。查了一下，找到了：
近几年甚至ao3上，跟trans、性别中立有关的文都越来越多。有的时候打原神，要打的东西都打得差不多了，就去协作区找人玩。已经零零星星遇到好几个，会跟我说『我是they/them』的。昨天晚上也是，遇到一个挺可爱的玩家，玩了一会角色扮演，又聊了好一会，然后对方说：忘了问你，你怎么称呼呢？
我说我是女生。对方说：我性别中立呀。
我突然就很好奇，问说你朋友真的就拿they/them称呼你？你亲戚爸妈一类的呢？
对方答：朋友当然会支持啦！但是爸妈，哎，我还没跟爸妈出柜。
我：我靠，这居然是需要出柜的事情。。
感觉这是一件很『年轻』的事情，因为几次遇到，虽然不知道对方多大，但是感觉都是二十岁上下不超过三十的人。然后晚上我就又很有我风格地，去下了一堆相关的书，今天一本本翻过去，看到其中一本书提到说：
In 2017 UCLA researchers analyzed responses to the California Health Interview Survey from kids ages twelve to seventeen and found that 27 percent out of about 796,000 youth are gender nonconforming. More people than ever before–children, youth, and adults–are coming out and openly living their lives as transgender men or women. 2017年加州一个调查显示，大概80万青少年中，27%都自定义为性别中立。
这都2021年了，四五年过去，现在这比例起码得三分之一了吧！
书们看下来大概是这么个道理：为什么一定要给人定义性别呢？先不谈有的人身为男生却觉得自己该是女生、身为女儿身却觉得自己应该是男生，然后通过性别手术转换了所谓『生理性别』的；就说有的人，出生看生殖器就没法判断确切性别，甚至查染色体都没有定论。所以非要追着给谁定义一个性别的，这已经不是科学的范畴了，根本就是精确追踪式打击歧视——性别不是纯生理概念，而是社会概念。所以既然是社会概念，谁觉得自己该是男是女还是中立，那都是他们的自由。
有一点我是同意的，就是无论是性别、种族、年龄还是地域，无论你属于哪一个群体，别人对你都就有相对应的刻板印象。所以有本书说，『There is absolutely no biological basis for why boys should paint their nails or be sensitive and girls should not play football or be taken seriously for their ideas. This is not about science, it’s about power.』但就像我之前写的，刻板印象自然状况下是有道理的，因为大脑只是在走捷径。只是换到人身上，被刻板印象的人就会受伤。而且『What we achieve, how we think, and how we act, can be influenced by the expectations of those around us.』如果所有人都觉得我是一个乐观开朗的人，我也会不自觉地去符合这种期待；如果所有人都觉得我是个坏孩子，我也不会努力去做一个好孩子。所以这也是面相有的时候有点道理的原因，倒不是脸真的能决定性格，而是脸一定程度上决定了别人对你的期待，而你在无数与人相处的分秒中，不自觉地去满足了这种期待，也真的成为了这样的人。
所以，这整个性别中立潮，与其说是越来越多的人想要重新定义自己的性别，不如说是越来越多的人不愿意被单一性别的刻板印象定义。因为，只要我自己认定是性别中立，就更有捷径去取双方的长处，去双方的短处。女生数学不好？没关系，我自己认定是性别中立，我数学可以好。男生一定要挣钱养家？没关系，我性别中立，所以我可以相妻教子。
同理，看书里提到有反对意见说『要是我们允许所有人随便定义自己的话，那可扯了去了，谁都可以是只茶壶，是个帽子，那不全乱套了』。我倒不担心社会会走到这一步，因为让人们走上街头为之斗争的动力，并不是他们太想要成为什么，而只是人们太想摆脱已有标签带来的包袱而已。
但是同样的，如果说性别不是纯生理的，那什么定义又是纯生理的呢？
如过我可以认定自己性别中立，我为什么不能认定自己种族中立？我也不想有白人、黑人、黄种人的种族包袱，虽然我看起来像是黑人，但是我祖上dna里一定有一点白人亚洲人的血统，这怎么能是100%的，所以你们提到我的时候请别说我是白人、黑人、亚洲人，请称呼我地球人。
我还不想要年龄带来的刻板印象，所以凭什么我五十岁了就得自我认定五十岁？让我找工作恋爱交友都频频受挫。我明明感觉还像个二十岁的年轻人，我的大脑跟心态都还很年轻。提到我的年龄的时候请称我年轻人，请说我只有二十岁。
基本可以说混血相对于种族，差不多就是性别中立相对于性别。所有无法被『快捷印象』分类的人，都会有被社会的大多数边缘化的感觉。而这些人的数量随着社会的融合松动越来越多，他们对权益的呼声也必定就越来越高。对于这些词的定义，也就会越来越模糊，发展到一定程度，大家也都会自我定义得越来越中立。
我凭什么不能摆脱一切标签对我塑造出的偏见？在我的心目中，我明明就是一个年轻、无性别的中立地球人。所以别人提及我时，也必须这么承认，不然就是不尊重我。
哎。
总的来说，这是件好事，因为拿掉标签，对一个未知未定义未分类的人，偏见的确会少。我认识一个新朋友，如果可以的话，也真不想知道对方的国籍、年龄、性别，因为知道以后，我想到这个人多少会有刻板印象。比如如果是男生，那就不能跟对方关系太近；如果是小孩子，那不用拿他太当真；如果是美国人，大概会有点傲慢。。。等等。在生命安全没有受威胁的情况下，我并不想要这些先入为主的刻板印象。
理想状况，在生活的任何情况下，无论是找工作、恋爱还是什么，我也希望对一个人的考量可以完全不顾这个人的外部条件。就像简爱对罗切斯特先生说的，虽然我不美、贫穷，但是我与你是平等的，就好像我俩的灵魂走过一切，现在站在上帝面前一样，完全平等。
但是我也在想，真的现实吗？未来的方向似乎是屏蔽一切定义与标签，甚至屏蔽对于quality的定义，拒绝对『好』与『坏』的定义。所以如果在约会而非招聘档案里写『只接受亚洲人』，到底是不是种族歧视呢？难道喜欢一个人必须只能靠灵魂的品质，对灵魂美长得丑的人喜欢不起来，就是肤浅吗？
而且就是有点心累。
这也是正常的，因为大脑没法走捷径了，必然会累啊。
这段时间一直在断断续续考虑这个问题。起因是跟朋友讨论到小孩教育的事情，朋友说，即使在大城市生活，也决心不要让小孩感受到竞争的压力，成绩什么无所谓，上学的时候交到好朋友还比较重要。
然后我就在想，如果拒不参与竞争的话，那小孩不会在成绩、课后之类方方面面都落后于同龄人吗，会不会容易自卑？小孩的自信该从哪里来呢？
今天跟同事聊天，聊着聊着我自己也大概梳理出了我的想法，简单来说：
因为这段时间的思考，我回头在看之前旅游的时候看过的一本书，school of life的on confidence。书提到说，有的人太容易被别人的看法影响，被随便哪个陌生人骂一句也能难过一个月，其实都是因为对外部世界太信任了。
比如，本来觉得自己坏掉的旧手机挺好的，去手机城转一圈就被忽悠买了并不需要的最新版本；比如本来觉得哪本小说挺好的，结果看了著名书评人的负面评论，就开始隐约觉得这本书好像是不咋样啊；比如得知警察调查了哪个朋友，就觉得大概是朋友犯了什么事。
这些人从小长大，父母对他们的态度大概也是一样：如果小孩得了奖状回来，父母就扬眉吐气的；如果成绩表现差被喊家长，父母就觉得这小孩没出息，骂一顿还算好了，就怕父母只默默失望着。因为，小孩都能感受得到的啊，父母爱的标杆在哪里，他会意识到，一个人是否被爱，是有条件的。
孩童时候，父母是小孩唯一的情感联结，也是安全感的唯一来源，所以无论父母爱的标杆是什么，小孩都会下意识竭力去满足。
但是，这标杆是什么呢？条件是什么呢？
他小的时候学会了观察父母的态度，长大以后也会继续观察身边人的态度，去揣摩每个人爱他的条件。所以，别人的意见很重要；因为不看别人的意见，他怎么知道这标准在哪里，怎么知道自己做的好不好，怎么知道自己是否值得赞许？
对被认同的渴望太深，总想要达到某种标准来证明自己，也就成了它的奴隶，失去了自由。
相比因有条件被爱而必须察言观色的孩子，被无条件地爱着而长大的孩子，他们的父母就能分得清人与行为的区别。也许小孩成绩是差，但不代表他就是个坏小孩；做错了事，就事论事就好，下次改正，这一页翻过去就得了。即使他方方面面都是个彻彻底底的普通人，他永远都是父母的孩子，都值得被深深地爱着。
这样的孩子，从小不必观察父母的脸色、揣度他们的标杆来维持情感联结；长大也同样不必对他人察言观色，因为他们的安全感自内而生，并不来自于被外界肯定。
系统跟别人，有的时候可能是对的，但大多数时候也可能是错的。系统也许建立在好的出发点上，但是一定有各种问题；而且系统是由人组成的，人总归是人，不是神，该有的情绪毛病动机过错一样不少。陌生人对你破口大骂，也许真是因为你做错了什么事，但是更可能是因为他自己的既得利益受到影响、自己安全感与价值观受到威胁；或者他本来想要靠近你，但却被拒绝，从而心生恨意；或者他只是今天出门踩到狗屎，心情不好。
要相信另一个人的看法，你得先能信任这个人两点：信任这个人的动机与出发点是友善的、信任他的价值判断与能力。
而大部分人与观点并不是。
默认从来都该是不信任。
所以，小孩需要的也许是来自父母无条件的爱；但我们既然已经是成年人，自己可以是自己的父母，自信该来自于哪里呢？
两方面。
一方面是关系上，以前缺失的无条件的爱，总得一点点补回来，所以尽量少与审判性的人在一起花时间。只有自己安全的人，才有能力以一颗宽怀的心去爱别人，而不会有意或无意以条件相要挟。刺激性的关系也是一种毒瘾，不过这又是另外一个话题了。
另一方面逻辑上，来自于这样的认知：
到头来，没有谁可以替我思考，所以，相信自己。
前两天看的《优秀的绵羊》里作为反面教材提到的一本书，《Battle hymn of the tiger mother》，今天早上给看完了。书写得挺搞笑的，其中一个很好玩的梗：美国人读完这本书，都觉得这妈妈简直严格得像个魔鬼；但是在中国，中文翻译的版本却被当做『美式自由教育』的典范。
因为我从小长大基本也都是优等生，爸妈也很典型地让我学各种乐器。我看着，乐着，一边在想，让小孩优秀到底有什么意义呢？
优秀的确有助于提高自我评价，但不是第一名就会自卑吗？倒数第一的学生，比起不倒数的人，自卑的可能性会大多少？大人的成就感，也许大多数情况下来自于工作；那小孩的自我成就感，可以建立在哪些事情上呢？其实只要某一方面有特色就不会有太大问题，比如特别擅长社交？唱歌特别好听？烘焙特别好吃？
一个人，在没有推力压力的时候，总会慢慢滋生出自己想要做的事情，做得久了，也自然会开始有点特色。
但，如果小孩喜欢的是打游戏、刷手机这种，只消费不创造的东西呢？有限制的话都还算种健康的爱好，但是如果一天到晚只想着打游戏呢？这种快乐，与其说是一种向往美好的快乐，不如说是一种自我麻醉的快乐。这样的快乐，会让人觉得有自我价值感吗？
就像赌博吸毒是一种跟性格有因果关系的爱好，应该也是在大大小小的创伤应激下才会整天除了打游戏什么都不干吧？
现在我是觉得，无创伤有好奇的情况下，自然会对某种创造性活动有点兴趣；而无论哪方面有特色出自豪感来，都够健康长大了。
