这周看了一本书，Garbor maté 的《the myth of normal》。书厚是真的厚，内容也紧实，哪怕一本书40%都是参考文献，一般一两天就翻完一本书的我也生生啃了一个星期。
One healthy response to assault for any sentient creature is anger, a function of the evolutionary RAGE system in the brain whose purpose is to defend our boundaries, physical or emotional.
My fiend Dr. Julie Holland’s comment about women’s anger being subdued to the detriment of their health tracks invariably with my observation among people with depression, autoimmune disease, and cancer.
There is an unhealthy kind of guilt: a chronic conviction that we’re innately blameworthy and should expect, or even deserve, punishment or reproach. In this dim light our faults and failings become evidence of our redeemable lowliness rather than invitations to grow and to do better. This type of guilt, or the fear of it, often strangles a robust “no,” smothering self-assertion: the prospect of others’ disapproval or disappointment triggers the intolerable conviction that we are bad, wrong, inexcusable. Left unchecked, it augurs physical or mental distress, as we have witnessed in stories throughout this book. Many people suffer a corrosive, automatic gait and shame if they so much as contemplate letting others down, treating their own needs as valuable, or acting on their own behalf.
Neufeld sums up eloquently what all young ones, whatever their temperament, need first and foremost: “Children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are.”
With that in mind, the parents’ primary task, beyond providing for the child’s survival requirements, is to emanate a simple message to the child in word, deed and most of all energetic presence, that he or she is precisely the person they love, welcome, and want.
The child doesn’t have to do anything, or be any different, to win that love–in fact, cannot do anything, because this abiding embrace cannot be earned, nor can it be revoked. It doesn’t depend on the child’s behaviour or personality; it is just there, whether the child is showing up as “good” or “bad,” “naughty” or “nice.” We understand and respond to the needs and emotions the child is “acting out” on, rather than simply punishing the behaviour and banishing the feeling.
My own workaholism as a physician earned me much respect, gratitude, remuneration, and status in the world, even as it undermined my mental health and my family’s emotional balance. And why was I a workaholic? Because, stemming from my early experiences, I needed to be needed, wanted, and admired as substitute for love. I never consciously decided to be driven that way, and yet it “worked” allot well for me in the social and professional realms.
Oddly as it may sound, it was the best worst option. A suffering child has two possible options when it comes to processing her experience (of only the “good” parts of her being validated). She can conclude either that the people she relies on for love are incompetent, malicious, or otherwise ill-suited the task, and she is all alone in this scary world; or that herself is to blame for, well, everything.
As painful as the latter explanation is, it is far preferable to the other one, which paints a life-threatening picture for a young being with zero power or recourse. The first option is not an option at all. Better to believe “It’s my fault; I’m bad,” which lets you believe there’s the chance that “if I work hard and be good, I will be lovable.” Thus, even the debilitating belief in one’s unworthiness, nearly universal among people with mental health diagnoses and addictions, begins as a coping mechanism.
然而这些喜欢是太过肤浅的喜欢，完全无法满足我底层真正的需求：just being accepted and loved as I am, without good behaviours or achievements. 而这样的爱，是建立在时日浇灌出的深厚的联结与深度信任之上，一种彻底的接受、爱，与non-judgement。
- Non-judgement and total acceptance, already rare among friends and families, let alone strangers. This is a trait of a person however–if they have it they have it–you can’t really expect someone to transform into it.
- the conscious decision to love this person, day after day
- I seem to believe that…
- What has this belief actually done for me?
- coping mechanism: protected me from…
- but caused me the long term damage of…
- What is the life I really want?