读书笔记

就是喜欢,就是讨厌,没有理由

在把《i feel guilty when I say no》从kindle里删掉之前,概括一下整本书里最有意思的几段逻辑:

“Do you mean that I should never give a friend a reason for what I want to do or why I want to do it?”

To this question, I give them this obvious answer: “If you and your friend have the same specific goal and are working together on it, two minds are usually better than one in figuring out ways to solve a problem. However, we are covering situations where there is a conflict and there is no apparent common goal. You want one thing and your friend wants something else. Give reasons for what you want and your friend will come up with equally valid reasons for what he wants. Giving reasons during conflict to justify or defend a viewpoint is just as manipulative as giving reasons to attack that viewpoint. Neither of these routes is an honest assertive I want that can lead to a workable compromise of interests to quickly resolve the conflict.”

而且,这种妥协也不见得非要公平不可:

People often naively insist that these compromises should be fair ones. They often seem a bit shocked when I respond to them with: “Compromises don’t have to be fair to be useful. All they have to do is work! Where did you read that life is fair?”

事情本身没有对错与规则,只有行为与相对应的责任:

In training you to attach emotionally loaded ideas like good or bad to your minor actions, Mom is conditioning you to think according to vague general rules that “should” be followed. The flaw in this conditioning process is that these abstract rules are so general they can be interpreted in any way desired, in the same circumstances.

Mom rarely tells you: “Thank you. I like it very much when you clean up your room,” or even “It must really bug you when I make you do your room over, but that’s exactly what I want you to do”. Not knowing how to be assertive, parents fall back upon the efficient emotional manipulation taught to them by their parents, instead of assuming the frank, honest responsibility of taking authority: “I want you to…

With statements like these, Mom teaches you that whatever Mom wants is important simply because she wants it. And that is the truth. You are not led into feeling anxious or guilty or unloved because you don’t like what Mom wants. You are not taught that what Mom likes is good and what she dislikes is bad. If she uses simple assertive statements of “I want,” there are no unspoken implications that arbitrary rules “should” be followed, and therefore “good” children are loved and “bad” ones are not. You don’t even have to like what Mom wants you to do; you only have to do it!

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