不知道是不是现在看书越来越刁了，因为书荒去下了一堆微信阅读力评分80%以上的小说，结果全都是，要么一地鸡毛，歇斯底里，要么角色完全没逻辑，一往情深撞南墙撞死也愿意的。

有没有正常人啊？

不是大雨里甩耳光下跪、威胁绝交离婚之类的，能不能就正常人，过着正常的生活，有正常的快乐，正常的困难，但人特别有意思的、遇到困难或者求之不得就干脆放弃然后继续向前的。

这种小说越看越累，一点都不放松啊 = =

还不如在airbnb的书架上看到、结果又翻阅了一遍的青少年读物《hunger games》好玩

刚才跟朋友聊到心理健康，突然想到pedro之前提过相关的话题，谷歌了一下，查到了这篇博客。

写字条理清晰的人真是，一篇文章看下来感觉气都顺了。就好像，生活的无序感又被梳理清楚了一点点，眼镜擦干净世界又清明了一点点。

之前看paul graham的on writing这篇文章也是，说：

I think it’s far more important to write well than most people realize. Writing doesn’t just communicate ideas; it generates them. If you’re bad at writing and don’t like to do it, you’ll miss out on most of the ideas writing would have generated.

Paul Graham

还是值得把思绪梳理出来的。

翻看以前的读书笔记：

We are compelled to reach for things we supposedly need but really don’t. We don’t need to check our email right this second or need to see the latest trending news, no matter how much we feel we must.

Even when we think we’re seeking pleasure, we’re actually driven by the desire to free ourselves from the pain of wanting. Most people don’t want to acknowledge the uncomfortable truth that distraction is always an unhealthy escape from reality.

As is the case with all human behavior, distraction is just another way our brains attempt to deal with pain.

We fail to have fun because we don’t take things seriously enough, not because we take them so seriously that we’d have to cut their bitter taste with sugar. The idea is to pay such close attention that you find new challenges you didn’t see before.

Operating under constraints, Bogost says, is the key to creativity and fun. Play doesn’t have to be pleasurable. It just has to hold our attention.

在把《i feel guilty when I say no》从kindle里删掉之前，概括一下整本书里最有意思的几段逻辑：

“Do you mean that I should never give a friend a reason for what I want to do or why I want to do it?”

To this question, I give them this obvious answer: “If you and your friend have the same specific goal and are working together on it, two minds are usually better than one in figuring out ways to solve a problem. However, we are covering situations where there is a conflict and there is no apparent common goal. You want one thing and your friend wants something else. Give reasons for what you want and your friend will come up with equally valid reasons for what he wants. Giving reasons during conflict to justify or defend a viewpoint is just as manipulative as giving reasons to attack that viewpoint. Neither of these routes is an honest assertive I want that can lead to a workable compromise of interests to quickly resolve the conflict.”

而且，这种妥协也不见得非要公平不可：

People often naively insist that these compromises should be fair ones. They often seem a bit shocked when I respond to them with: “Compromises don’t have to be fair to be useful. All they have to do is work! Where did you read that life is fair?”

事情本身没有对错与规则，只有行为与相对应的责任：

In training you to attach emotionally loaded ideas like good or bad to your minor actions, Mom is conditioning you to think according to vague general rules that “should” be followed. The flaw in this conditioning process is that these abstract rules are so general they can be interpreted in any way desired, in the same circumstances.

Mom rarely tells you: “Thank you. I like it very much when you clean up your room,” or even “It must really bug you when I make you do your room over, but that’s exactly what I want you to do”. Not knowing how to be assertive, parents fall back upon the efficient emotional manipulation taught to them by their parents, instead of assuming the frank, honest responsibility of taking authority: “I want you to…“

With statements like these, Mom teaches you that whatever Mom wants is important simply because she wants it. And that is the truth. You are not led into feeling anxious or guilty or unloved because you don’t like what Mom wants. You are not taught that what Mom likes is good and what she dislikes is bad. If she uses simple assertive statements of “I want,” there are no unspoken implications that arbitrary rules “should” be followed, and therefore “good” children are loved and “bad” ones are not. You don’t even have to like what Mom wants you to do; you only have to do it!

因为几个月前考虑『说不不能』的事情，当时下了一本书，叫《i feel guilty when I say no》，最近有时翻翻这本书，就觉得挺有意思的。今日引用：

虽然听起来很矛盾，但是听到批评就要崩溃的人听到表扬也同样不知道手脚要哪里放。我们很多人，听到表扬就结结巴巴，低声嘟哝，摆弄帽子手指，一副很不好意思的样子，然后立刻转移话题。

这跟谦虚没什么关系。It has roots in our childish belief that other people are the real judges of our actions. 它的根源是，我们幼稚地以为，别人才是我们行为的审判者。

If, on the other hand, we are independently assertive in our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, we reserve the final judgement of actions, even the positive ones, to ourselves. 与之相对的，如果我们认为自己无论是思想、感情还是行为都是独立自主的，那我们就会自己去判断自己的行为优劣几何，哪怕对待赞扬也同样处理。这样笃定的态度并不会让你无法接受赞扬，相反，你只是自己来判断对别人的赞扬是同意还是不同意而已。

所以我在想，人们之所以会觉得害羞的角色可爱，是因为对方有被肯定的心理需求，对他人总是身处一种有求于人的弱势吧！简而言之就是好控制。是不是有点sm跟praise kink的味道了，哈哈哈=v=

Josh在the art of learning里说：

Two questions arise. First, what is the difference that allows some to fit into that narrow window at the top? And second, what’s the point? If ambition spells probable disappointment, why pursue excellence?

In my opinion, the answer to both questions lies in a well-thought-out approach that inspires resilience, the ability to make connections between diverse pursuits, and day-to-day enjoyment of the process.

In my experience, successful people shoot for the stars, put their hearts on the line in every battle, and ultimately discover that the lessons learned from the pursuit of excellence mean more than the immediate trophies and glory.

In the long run, painful losses may prove much more valuable than wins–those who are armed with a healthy attitude and are able to draw wisdom from every experience, “good” or “bad”, are the ones who make it down the way. They are also the ones who are happier along the way.

Of course the real challenge is to stay in range of this long-term perspective when you are under fire and hurting in the middle of the war. This, maybe our biggest hurdle, is at the core of the art of learning.

但是school of life的a job to love里也提到说，有时候good enough就够了。大部分人总是看到别人镁光灯下的样子，朋友也好明星也好，愿意展现出来的时候总是最好的状态，所以以为除了自己是loser，其他人都是人生赢家。其实现实就是现实，每个人都有少数快乐的时候，低谷的时候，大部分也只是平平淡淡：

Good enough work

It sounds a bit awful to tell others (or ourselves) not to aim too high. It can come across as sour and defeatist. Sometimes, of course, it is just that. But at other points, it can be deeply wise and generous advice, because it combats the strange and powerful way we have of unfairly attacking ourselves for not living up to imagined ideals.

This move of undercutting our reckless perfectionism was first developed by the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s. Winnicott specialised in relationships between parents and children. In his clinical practice, he often met with parents who were trying their best to be everything to their children and yet were in despair. The parents were angry and frustrated at how far from their ideals their family lives were turning out to be: the children might be withdrawn or naughty, the parents might be tired and irritable. Hopes had often curdled into desperate frustration.

Winnicott’s crucial insight was that the parents’ agony was coming from a particular place: they were trying too hard. To help them, he developed a charming and highly practical concept of what he called ‘the good enough parent’. Children, he insisted, don’t need an ideal parent. They very much need an OK, pretty decent, usually well-intentioned and generally, but not always, warm and reasonable father or mother. This wasn’t because Winnicott liked to settle for second best, but rather because he realised that, in order to become well-balanced, robust and enduring souls (a very big ambition in reality), we need to cope with imperfection and resist torturing ourselves trying to be what no ordinary human can be.

The concept of ‘good enough’ was invented to give dignity to a failure to live up to a punishing, counter-productive ideal. It pointed out that much that is really important goes on at a much lower level than the flawless and problem-free. Winnicott was trying to tell parents that ‘good enough’ is a saner and therefore more honourable goal.

With Winnicott’s advice to parents in mind, we could usefully develop the notion of a good enough job. A good enough job has the normal, full range of defects: it’s a bit boring at some points, it has fiddly, frustrating aspects; it involves times of anxiety; you have to put up with occasionally being judged by people you don’t especially respect; it doesn’t perfectly utilise all your merits; you are never going to make a fortune; sometimes you have to cut corners when you’d rather not; you have to be polite to some rather irritating people; your best ideas won’t always get taken up; certain rivals will in all probability surpass you; and there will be days when you wonder how you could have been such an idiot as to get involved in this in the first place.

But, in a good enough job, along the way there will be plenty of positive aspects. You’ll make some close friends; you’ll have times of real excitement; you’ll quite often see that your best efforts are recognised and rewarded; you’ll appreciate the overall worthwhile direction of what you and the rest of the team are doing; you’ll finish many days tired but with a sense of accomplishment.

The public probably won’t be singing your praises; you won’t get to the very top; you won’t single-handedly change the world; many of the early fantasies of what a career might be will gently drop aside. But you will know that you work with honour and dignity and that, in a quiet, mature, non-starry-eyed but very real way, you love your job enough. And that is, in itself, a very grand achievement.

所以我在考虑两个问题：

• 到底什么时候高要求才是合理的呢？
  • 比如，要求自己刚入新公司就事事上手顺风如意，的确很高，也很不现实
  • 要求自己每次做新尝试都成功，就不现实。尝试之所以是尝试，就是因为不确定性很高，大部分概率上应该失败才对
  • 要求自己画画，每次都做到最好，很高，但就现实。但是做到最好是什么意思呢？是说每次全心全力，不留任何余地，不必过后安慰自己说：哎，没做好是因为我没有真的努力啦！
  • 像k大说的一样，每次画画要八九成熟悉，一两成创新，这样才有快乐的感觉，也能不断学到新的东西
  • 大概应该是这样：在要求符合现实的基础上，高一点点，但是尽力又有八成可能做到的程度，这样才是有意思且有意义的目标。比如现在能跳1米的，别指望下一跳能10米，但是1.1米还是可以努力争取一下的，这种『高要求』

• 怎么才能愉快地做一些需要做的事情呢？比如，工作做不想做的部分？比如，想要学习的东西？
  • 专心下来任何事情都可以快乐，所以，之所以有的事情不快乐，要么是心沉不下来，要么就是我对自己的要求太高或者太低了
  • 要求太高了，明显达不到的，连尝试的勇气都鼓不起来
  • 要求太低了，一点挑战性都无，也无聊到毫无动力开始
  • 只有那种跳一跳能够得到的目标，才有趣有劲

• 所以需要问自己的问题大概是这样：
  • 这是我跳一跳就能够得到的目标嘛？
  • 这是我跳一跳才能够得到的目标嘛？
  • 我有沉下心，慢下来嘛？

最近总是事多，不是一件事就是另一件事，之前是值班一个月，最近是突然决定还是简单办个婚礼的事情。再简单还是各种需要计划啊！！所以我就在想，既然重压之下是生活常态了，能不能更合理地与它共存呢？

所以今天早上，工作等CI之类的间隙，在重看之前看的一本书，《the upsides of stress》。基本就是说压力不全是坏事，说它只有坏处是很久以前的理论，就是因为以前太流行了，现在要改变人们的观点就变得很难。

与其说压力是只能触发『fight or flight』的生理反应，不如说压力是只有当你太在乎一件事情的时候，身体才会做出的反应，而这反应可以有很多种：fight, escape, engage, connect, find meaning and grow。至于下意识触发哪一种反应，是可以有意识训练自己转变的。

有的人生理上就不大容易被压力影响，所以发生各种事情带来的情感波动就小，事情过后对他们的影响也小，他们能获得的心理成长也相对小一些。其他人心中的水面，投入同一块石头起的涟漪就可以很大，所以他们经历的情感更丰富，潜在能够获得的成长也更大。就像以前写过的一样，艺术的产出，写东西也好画画也好音乐也好，都是需要情感来丰富与支撑的，所以，感受到压力，不如说是感受到意义的存在，可以把这种能量变成艺术的结晶挤出来，啊哈哈哈。

这也就回到了『意义』的话题上。

之所以能够受压，是因为在乎。而在乎是一种很难得的心情，只有在乎才会越过『一时兴起』，才会愿意对一件事倾注时间与努力。所以，我为之辗转反复，最终在乎的到底是什么？为了履行我的价值观，我可以为之做出什么？这才是活着的意义所在啊。