在把《i feel guilty when I say no》从kindle里删掉之前，概括一下整本书里最有意思的几段逻辑：

“Do you mean that I should never give a friend a reason for what I want to do or why I want to do it?”

To this question, I give them this obvious answer: “If you and your friend have the same specific goal and are working together on it, two minds are usually better than one in figuring out ways to solve a problem. However, we are covering situations where there is a conflict and there is no apparent common goal. You want one thing and your friend wants something else. Give reasons for what you want and your friend will come up with equally valid reasons for what he wants. Giving reasons during conflict to justify or defend a viewpoint is just as manipulative as giving reasons to attack that viewpoint. Neither of these routes is an honest assertive I want that can lead to a workable compromise of interests to quickly resolve the conflict.”

而且，这种妥协也不见得非要公平不可：

People often naively insist that these compromises should be fair ones. They often seem a bit shocked when I respond to them with: “Compromises don’t have to be fair to be useful. All they have to do is work! Where did you read that life is fair?”

事情本身没有对错与规则，只有行为与相对应的责任：

In training you to attach emotionally loaded ideas like good or bad to your minor actions, Mom is conditioning you to think according to vague general rules that “should” be followed. The flaw in this conditioning process is that these abstract rules are so general they can be interpreted in any way desired, in the same circumstances.

Mom rarely tells you: “Thank you. I like it very much when you clean up your room,” or even “It must really bug you when I make you do your room over, but that’s exactly what I want you to do”. Not knowing how to be assertive, parents fall back upon the efficient emotional manipulation taught to them by their parents, instead of assuming the frank, honest responsibility of taking authority: “I want you to…“

With statements like these, Mom teaches you that whatever Mom wants is important simply because she wants it. And that is the truth. You are not led into feeling anxious or guilty or unloved because you don’t like what Mom wants. You are not taught that what Mom likes is good and what she dislikes is bad. If she uses simple assertive statements of “I want,” there are no unspoken implications that arbitrary rules “should” be followed, and therefore “good” children are loved and “bad” ones are not. You don’t even have to like what Mom wants you to do; you only have to do it!

因为几个月前考虑『说不不能』的事情，当时下了一本书，叫《i feel guilty when I say no》，最近有时翻翻这本书，就觉得挺有意思的。今日引用：

虽然听起来很矛盾，但是听到批评就要崩溃的人听到表扬也同样不知道手脚要哪里放。我们很多人，听到表扬就结结巴巴，低声嘟哝，摆弄帽子手指，一副很不好意思的样子，然后立刻转移话题。

这跟谦虚没什么关系。It has roots in our childish belief that other people are the real judges of our actions. 它的根源是，我们幼稚地以为，别人才是我们行为的审判者。

If, on the other hand, we are independently assertive in our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, we reserve the final judgement of actions, even the positive ones, to ourselves. 与之相对的，如果我们认为自己无论是思想、感情还是行为都是独立自主的，那我们就会自己去判断自己的行为优劣几何，哪怕对待赞扬也同样处理。这样笃定的态度并不会让你无法接受赞扬，相反，你只是自己来判断对别人的赞扬是同意还是不同意而已。

所以我在想，人们之所以会觉得害羞的角色可爱，是因为对方有被肯定的心理需求，对他人总是身处一种有求于人的弱势吧！简而言之就是好控制。是不是有点sm跟praise kink的味道了，哈哈哈=v=