与人的联结

求助不能

这两天在看一本说如何养老的书,叫 who will take care of me when i’m old?

看到其中一条挺震惊的:说1995年,芝加哥夏天酷热无比,达48、49度,导致465人热死。本身不是什么超乎意料的事情,但是在这些丧生的人里,51%都是七十五岁以上的老人。

It was devastating to watch the entire scenario unravel. Socially isolated older adults, many of them near poverty, remained terrified behind closed and locked doors and windows, their air conditioners off due to rising utility bills. Their fear of being robbed and of other criminal activitiy kept them from responding to “strangers” who continuously warned them of imminent danger. Refusing to leave their homes for city cooling centers cost the lives of hundres of elders who, instead, died a slow and horrifying death.

以前看到说日本很多人不愿意与人打交道,于是去世的时候很久都没人发现,我还想,不会吧,这个性得有多不愿意跟人打交道啊!但是现在想想,真到老了,如果身边的亲人朋友都挂光了,自己又没有自主能力,大概也不大好交朋友的吧?

书里提到这点是说,一般这些固执万分就只想要在家里度过余生的人,一般也是遇到困难最不愿意开口求助的那群人,所以想怎么活,可以,但要知道自己的弱点。

我看了震惊是因为,如果一个两个还可以归结为个体性格差异,不干我事;但如果半数都是,大概是真的是个问题,跟我大概是有关系的。而且主要是。。。。。。我曾经也是那个打死也不愿意请求帮助的人,手里拎着大包小包的,同行的朋友要帮我拎一个我那是拒绝得理所当然且正义凛然。就算到了今天,自我感觉脸皮已经发展到很厚的时候,有的时候遇到工作需要问问题还是第一反应觉得自己是不是能力不够才需要问问题,于是死撑着不愿意开口。

前两天看的讲 imposter syndrom 的书里提到说基辛格是什么现场发言被问了问题,就当场打电话给人询问。他说,为懂得请求帮助而感到自豪,说『聪明人懂得如何依赖那些比自己懂得多的人』。

“I make progress by having people around who are smarter than I am—and listening to them. And I assume that everyone is smarter about something than I am.”

突然感觉好有道理啊。

书里给这种求助不能的症状起名叫『the rugged individualist』,说想要追求独立并不是什么原罪,但是追求归追求,不必把自己逼到极端,非事事独立不可。

Be wary of competence extremism. As the Rugged Individualist, you can take pride in the knowledge that you can go it alone if you have to. Just stop thinking you must.

以请求帮助为自豪,嗯。别人的帮助也是我解决问题里的一环啊。

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