生活感想

我可负人人不可负我

昨天刚面完的亚马逊,今天中午就发邮件通知说『不打算推进了』。虽然面到最后一轮我都已经基本决定不会去亚马逊了,但是看到拒信还是很不爽,大有种『我可负人人不可负我』的架势。然后我一路回来,除了计划之后的旅行和生活,还边带着一直在想,这到底是种什么酸柠檬的心态啊!

有点像以前学生时代考试前,一到考试前就复习不进去,因为如果我不复习考砸了,那只是因为我没复习而已;但是如果我十分努力还考砸,那我就得承认我自己能力不够,所以还是别那么努力了。

现在能这么写出来,我就已经谢天谢地了;中学时候我还年少懵懂,只被下意识驱使而已,从来没有把事实和动机理得这么清楚。

最糟糕的不是不愿意努力,而是明知道自己是在怕点什么,都尽量不往这方面想。

因为,万一不小心想清楚了就要面对现实,而面对现实是可以很残酷的。

想到以前看的growth mindset和fixed mindset的书,因为fixed mindset相信自己是聪明的,所以会不惜一切代价避免可能让自己显得不聪明的情境。比如书里举的一个例子,说某个老爸跟小孩下棋发现小孩有天分,就总夸小孩真有天分,然后小孩就一直拒绝跟真的很厉害的人下棋,这样就可以一直活在『我很厉害』的泡泡里。自尊心是保全了,但是某种程度上孩子心底应该也知道这样的『天分』很虚吧。

因为害怕被打回来而拒绝伸出触角还有很多种,比如害怕被喜欢的人拒绝,所以连尝试都不去尝试。

本来我今天琢磨着,这是不是我从小聪明大的遗症,然后突然想到前天看到一篇写给准备google面试的文章,get that job at google,提到说:

You: But what if I get a mistrial? I might be smart and qualified, but for some random reason I may do poorly in the interviews and not get an offer! That would be a huge blow to my ego! I would rather pass up the opportunity altogether than have a chance of failure!

Me: Yeah, that’s at least partly true. Heck, I kinda didn’t make it in on my first attempt, but I begged like a street dog until they gave me a second round of interviews. I caught them in a weak moment. And the second time around, I prepared, and did much better.

The thing is, Google has a well-known false negative rate, which means we sometimes turn away qualified people, because that’s considered better than sometimes hiring unqualified people. This is actually an industry-wide thing, but the dial gets turned differently at different companies. At Google the false-negative rate is pretty high. I don’t know what it is, but I do know a lot of smart, qualified people who’ve not made it through our interviews. It’s a bummer.

But the really important takeaway is this: if you don’t get an offer, you may still be qualified to work here. So it needn’t be a blow to your ego at all!

As far as anyone I know can tell, false negatives are completely random, and are unrelated to your skills or qualifications. They can happen from a variety of factors, including but not limited to:

– you’re having an off day
– one or more of your interviewers is having an off day
– there were communication issues invisible to you and/or one or more of the interviewers
– you got unlucky and got an Interview Anti-Loop

然后洋洋洒洒解释了很多anti-loop到底是啥、为什么你懂的他不问他问的你不懂……云云。

哎,在自己觉得自己聪明的人里,定式心态还真普遍。好吧,这解释没错是没错,也缓解了自尊心受伤的问题没错,但是这不是问题的根本啊!问题根本不在于如何保护自尊心,根本在,因为害怕失败,所以连尝试都不敢。根本在,任何一件事和自尊心都不应当是强联系。

按照经典的对比:心态应该是『it was such a stupid thing to do』,而不是『i was so stupid』。经典对比是,guilt 是对事,shame 是对人。

因为我知道自己会害怕伸出触角的弱点,所以给自己写过审判自己的三大原则:

I will judge myself on 3 things:

– courage to learn from results
– proof of intelligent effort
– concentration

还有修正版本的:

I will judge myself on the courage to have fun.

勇气勇气,我想要有时时刻刻敢于面对现实的勇气。我想要有享受人生快乐的勇气,哪怕这意味着放弃我在乎的成就。我想要有不确定未来还敢于拼尽全力的勇气。

自省!(๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

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