We are compelled to reach for things we supposedly need but really don’t. We don’t need to check our email right this second or need to see the latest trending news, no matter how much we feel we must.

Even when we think we’re seeking pleasure, we’re actually driven by the desire to free ourselves from the pain of wanting. Most people don’t want to acknowledge the uncomfortable truth that distraction is always an unhealthy escape from reality.

As is the case with all human behavior, distraction is just another way our brains attempt to deal with pain.

We fail to have fun because we don’t take things seriously enough, not because we take them so seriously that we’d have to cut their bitter taste with sugar. The idea is to pay such close attention that you find new challenges you didn’t see before.

Operating under constraints, Bogost says, is the key to creativity and fun. Play doesn’t have to be pleasurable. It just has to hold our attention.

与人的联结, 用心爱自己, 读书笔记


这周看了一本书,Garbor maté 的《the myth of normal》。书厚是真的厚,内容也紧实,哪怕一本书40%都是参考文献,一般一两天就翻完一本书的我也生生啃了一个星期。




  • 强迫性地关注他人的感受,同时无视自己的感受
  • 认同社会赋予的角色与责任,身为男性/女性/朋友/爱人就应该xxx
  • 努力过度、十分有责任感,通常伴随相当的成就,因为如果没有成就与对他人的付出,自己就没有存在的价值
  • 压抑愤怒,不知道如何生气
  • 强迫性地想要安抚他人的情绪,强迫性避免让他人失望



One healthy response to assault for any sentient creature is anger, a function of the evolutionary RAGE system in the brain whose purpose is to defend our boundaries, physical or emotional.

My fiend Dr. Julie Holland’s comment about women’s anger being subdued to the detriment of their health tracks invariably with my observation among people with depression, autoimmune disease, and cancer.

There is an unhealthy kind of guilt: a chronic conviction that we’re innately blameworthy and should expect, or even deserve, punishment or reproach. In this dim light our faults and failings become evidence of our redeemable lowliness rather than invitations to grow and to do better. This type of guilt, or the fear of it, often strangles a robust “no,” smothering self-assertion: the prospect of others’ disapproval or disappointment triggers the intolerable conviction that we are bad, wrong, inexcusable. Left unchecked, it augurs physical or mental distress, as we have witnessed in stories throughout this book. Many people suffer a corrosive, automatic gait and shame if they so much as contemplate letting others down, treating their own needs as valuable, or acting on their own behalf.


Neufeld sums up eloquently what all young ones, whatever their temperament, need first and foremost: “Children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are.”

With that in mind, the parents’ primary task, beyond providing for the child’s survival requirements, is to emanate a simple message to the child in word, deed and most of all energetic presence, that he or she is precisely the person they love, welcome, and want.

The child doesn’t have to do anything, or be any different, to win that love–in fact, cannot do anything, because this abiding embrace cannot be earned, nor can it be revoked. It doesn’t depend on the child’s behaviour or personality; it is just there, whether the child is showing up as “good” or “bad,” “naughty” or “nice.” We understand and respond to the needs and emotions the child is “acting out” on, rather than simply punishing the behaviour and banishing the feeling.


My own workaholism as a physician earned me much respect, gratitude, remuneration, and status in the world, even as it undermined my mental health and my family’s emotional balance. And why was I a workaholic? Because, stemming from my early experiences, I needed to be needed, wanted, and admired as substitute for love. I never consciously decided to be driven that way, and yet it “worked” allot well for me in the social and professional realms.

Oddly as it may sound, it was the best worst option. A suffering child has two possible options when it comes to processing her experience (of only the “good” parts of her being validated). She can conclude either that the people she relies on for love are incompetent, malicious, or otherwise ill-suited the task, and she is all alone in this scary world; or that herself is to blame for, well, everything.

As painful as the latter explanation is, it is far preferable to the other one, which paints a life-threatening picture for a young being with zero power or recourse. The first option is not an option at all. Better to believe “It’s my fault; I’m bad,” which lets you believe there’s the chance that “if I work hard and be good, I will be lovable.” Thus, even the debilitating belief in one’s unworthiness, nearly universal among people with mental health diagnoses and addictions, begins as a coping mechanism.


然而这些喜欢是太过肤浅的喜欢,完全无法满足我底层真正的需求:just being accepted and loved as I am, without good behaviours or achievements. 而这样的爱,是建立在时日浇灌出的深厚的联结与深度信任之上,一种彻底的接受、爱,与non-judgement。


  1. Non-judgement and total acceptance, already rare among friends and families, let alone strangers. This is a trait of a person however–if they have it they have it–you can’t really expect someone to transform into it.
  2. 时间与共同经历建立起的信任,光是这一点陌生人就完全无法做到了
  3. the conscious decision to love this person, day after day



  • 有意识地,把人群按照『可以信任与依赖的程度』分层,不同的人也许在不同的事情上值得信任、无法信任,但陌生人绝对是在『0信任』的层级,因而去追求陌生人的喜爱一定是饮鸩止渴饮酒止痛,酒劲过去只会强化有条件的爱带来的痛苦
  • 有意识地,时刻关注自己对自我需求与情绪的压抑:
    • I seem to believe that…
    • What has this belief actually done for me?
      • coping mechanism: protected me from…
      • but caused me the long term damage of…
    • What is the life I really want?
  • 有意识地做决定:给我两个选项,如果我利用我的负面动力,得到著作等身羡慕与荣光;如果我放弃我的负面动力,就依赖我小火苗的热爱,想努力时才努力,默默无闻而自得其乐,我选哪一个?我为什么把它们放在对立面上?




在把《i feel guilty when I say no》从kindle里删掉之前,概括一下整本书里最有意思的几段逻辑:

“Do you mean that I should never give a friend a reason for what I want to do or why I want to do it?”

To this question, I give them this obvious answer: “If you and your friend have the same specific goal and are working together on it, two minds are usually better than one in figuring out ways to solve a problem. However, we are covering situations where there is a conflict and there is no apparent common goal. You want one thing and your friend wants something else. Give reasons for what you want and your friend will come up with equally valid reasons for what he wants. Giving reasons during conflict to justify or defend a viewpoint is just as manipulative as giving reasons to attack that viewpoint. Neither of these routes is an honest assertive I want that can lead to a workable compromise of interests to quickly resolve the conflict.”


People often naively insist that these compromises should be fair ones. They often seem a bit shocked when I respond to them with: “Compromises don’t have to be fair to be useful. All they have to do is work! Where did you read that life is fair?”


In training you to attach emotionally loaded ideas like good or bad to your minor actions, Mom is conditioning you to think according to vague general rules that “should” be followed. The flaw in this conditioning process is that these abstract rules are so general they can be interpreted in any way desired, in the same circumstances.

Mom rarely tells you: “Thank you. I like it very much when you clean up your room,” or even “It must really bug you when I make you do your room over, but that’s exactly what I want you to do”. Not knowing how to be assertive, parents fall back upon the efficient emotional manipulation taught to them by their parents, instead of assuming the frank, honest responsibility of taking authority: “I want you to…

With statements like these, Mom teaches you that whatever Mom wants is important simply because she wants it. And that is the truth. You are not led into feeling anxious or guilty or unloved because you don’t like what Mom wants. You are not taught that what Mom likes is good and what she dislikes is bad. If she uses simple assertive statements of “I want,” there are no unspoken implications that arbitrary rules “should” be followed, and therefore “good” children are loved and “bad” ones are not. You don’t even have to like what Mom wants you to do; you only have to do it!



因为几个月前考虑『说不不能』的事情,当时下了一本书,叫《i feel guilty when I say no》,最近有时翻翻这本书,就觉得挺有意思的。今日引用:


这跟谦虚没什么关系。It has roots in our childish belief that other people are the real judges of our actions. 它的根源是,我们幼稚地以为,别人才是我们行为的审判者。

If, on the other hand, we are independently assertive in our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, we reserve the final judgement of actions, even the positive ones, to ourselves. 与之相对的,如果我们认为自己无论是思想、感情还是行为都是独立自主的,那我们就会自己去判断自己的行为优劣几何,哪怕对待赞扬也同样处理。这样笃定的态度并不会让你无法接受赞扬,相反,你只是自己来判断对别人的赞扬是同意还是不同意而已。

所以我在想,人们之所以会觉得害羞的角色可爱,是因为对方有被肯定的心理需求,对他人总是身处一种有求于人的弱势吧!简而言之就是好控制。是不是有点sm跟praise kink的味道了,哈哈哈=v=



Josh在the art of learning里说:

Two questions arise. First, what is the difference that allows some to fit into that narrow window at the top? And second, what’s the point? If ambition spells probable disappointment, why pursue excellence?

In my opinion, the answer to both questions lies in a well-thought-out approach that inspires resilience, the ability to make connections between diverse pursuits, and day-to-day enjoyment of the process.

In my experience, successful people shoot for the stars, put their hearts on the line in every battle, and ultimately discover that the lessons learned from the pursuit of excellence mean more than the immediate trophies and glory.

In the long run, painful losses may prove much more valuable than wins–those who are armed with a healthy attitude and are able to draw wisdom from every experience, “good” or “bad”, are the ones who make it down the way. They are also the ones who are happier along the way.

Of course the real challenge is to stay in range of this long-term perspective when you are under fire and hurting in the middle of the war. This, maybe our biggest hurdle, is at the core of the art of learning.

但是school of life的a job to love里也提到说,有时候good enough就够了。大部分人总是看到别人镁光灯下的样子,朋友也好明星也好,愿意展现出来的时候总是最好的状态,所以以为除了自己是loser,其他人都是人生赢家。其实现实就是现实,每个人都有少数快乐的时候,低谷的时候,大部分也只是平平淡淡:

Good enough work

It sounds a bit awful to tell others (or ourselves) not to aim too high. It can come across as sour and defeatist. Sometimes, of course, it is just that. But at other points, it can be deeply wise and generous advice, because it combats the strange and powerful way we have of unfairly attacking ourselves for not living up to imagined ideals.

This move of undercutting our reckless perfectionism was first developed by the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s. Winnicott specialised in relationships between parents and children. In his clinical practice, he often met with parents who were trying their best to be everything to their children and yet were in despair. The parents were angry and frustrated at how far from their ideals their family lives were turning out to be: the children might be withdrawn or naughty, the parents might be tired and irritable. Hopes had often curdled into desperate frustration.

Winnicott’s crucial insight was that the parents’ agony was coming from a particular place: they were trying too hard. To help them, he developed a charming and highly practical concept of what he called ‘the good enough parent’. Children, he insisted, don’t need an ideal parent. They very much need an OK, pretty decent, usually well-intentioned and generally, but not always, warm and reasonable father or mother. This wasn’t because Winnicott liked to settle for second best, but rather because he realised that, in order to become well-balanced, robust and enduring souls (a very big ambition in reality), we need to cope with imperfection and resist torturing ourselves trying to be what no ordinary human can be.

The concept of ‘good enough’ was invented to give dignity to a failure to live up to a punishing, counter-productive ideal. It pointed out that much that is really important goes on at a much lower level than the flawless and problem-free. Winnicott was trying to tell parents that ‘good enough’ is a saner and therefore more honourable goal.

With Winnicott’s advice to parents in mind, we could usefully develop the notion of a good enough job. A good enough job has the normal, full range of defects: it’s a bit boring at some points, it has fiddly, frustrating aspects; it involves times of anxiety; you have to put up with occasionally being judged by people you don’t especially respect; it doesn’t perfectly utilise all your merits; you are never going to make a fortune; sometimes you have to cut corners when you’d rather not; you have to be polite to some rather irritating people; your best ideas won’t always get taken up; certain rivals will in all probability surpass you; and there will be days when you wonder how you could have been such an idiot as to get involved in this in the first place.

But, in a good enough job, along the way there will be plenty of positive aspects. You’ll make some close friends; you’ll have times of real excitement; you’ll quite often see that your best efforts are recognised and rewarded; you’ll appreciate the overall worthwhile direction of what you and the rest of the team are doing; you’ll finish many days tired but with a sense of accomplishment.

The public probably won’t be singing your praises; you won’t get to the very top; you won’t single-handedly change the world; many of the early fantasies of what a career might be will gently drop aside. But you will know that you work with honour and dignity and that, in a quiet, mature, non-starry-eyed but very real way, you love your job enough. And that is, in itself, a very grand achievement.


  • 到底什么时候高要求才是合理的呢?
    • 比如,要求自己刚入新公司就事事上手顺风如意,的确很高,也很不现实
    • 要求自己每次做新尝试都成功,就不现实。尝试之所以是尝试,就是因为不确定性很高,大部分概率上应该失败才对
    • 要求自己画画,每次都做到最好,很高,但就现实。但是做到最好是什么意思呢?是说每次全心全力,不留任何余地,不必过后安慰自己说:哎,没做好是因为我没有真的努力啦!
    • 像k大说的一样,每次画画要八九成熟悉,一两成创新,这样才有快乐的感觉,也能不断学到新的东西
    • 大概应该是这样:在要求符合现实的基础上高一点点,但是尽力又有八成可能做到的程度,这样才是有意思且有意义的目标。比如现在能跳1米的,别指望下一跳能10米,但是1.1米还是可以努力争取一下的,这种『高要求』
  • 怎么才能愉快地做一些需要做的事情呢?比如,工作做不想做的部分?比如,想要学习的东西?
    • 专心下来任何事情都可以快乐,所以,之所以有的事情不快乐,要么是心沉不下来,要么就是我对自己的要求太高或者太低了
    • 要求太高了,明显达不到的,连尝试的勇气都鼓不起来
    • 要求太低了,一点挑战性都无,也无聊到毫无动力开始
    • 只有那种跳一跳能够得到的目标,才有趣有劲
  • 所以需要问自己的问题大概是这样:
    • 这是我跳一跳能够得到的目标嘛?
    • 这是我跳一跳能够得到的目标嘛?
    • 我有沉下心,慢下来嘛?



所以今天早上,工作等CI之类的间隙,在重看之前看的一本书,《the upsides of stress》。基本就是说压力不全是坏事,说它只有坏处是很久以前的理论,就是因为以前太流行了,现在要改变人们的观点就变得很难。

与其说压力是只能触发『fight or flight』的生理反应,不如说压力是只有当你太在乎一件事情的时候,身体才会做出的反应,而这反应可以有很多种:fight, escape, engage, connect, find meaning and grow。至于下意识触发哪一种反应,是可以有意识训练自己转变的。




文化诧异, 读书笔记


Interestingly, I first came into personal contact with gender nonconforming through Genshin Impact.

Previously, I’ve had my fair share of recruiting emails containing the recruiters’ pronouns right in the subject, and I’ve always thought it funny. First of all, 99 out of 100 times people don’t reply to recruiters. And even if they do, well, you don’t refer to your recipients in the third-person. So why bother?

It’s like walking down the street with every stranger I nod hello to handing me a flyer of user-manual, indicating the list of items they get offended by, so I can avoid doing so unintentionally. For better or for worse, this is the direction future is heading, as people have increasingly little common ground to stand on.


记得大概一年前elon musk好像有发过一条推特,大意是说无性别称呼很蠢的,然后被很多人骂了。查了一下,找到了:







In 2017 UCLA researchers analyzed responses to the California Health Interview Survey from kids ages twelve to seventeen and found that 27 percent out of about 796,000 youth are gender nonconforming. More people than ever before–children, youth, and adults–are coming out and openly living their lives as transgender men or women. 2017年加州一个调查显示,大概80万青少年中,27%都自定义为性别中立。



有一点我是同意的,就是无论是性别、种族、年龄还是地域,无论你属于哪一个群体,别人对你都就有相对应的刻板印象。所以有本书说,『There is absolutely no biological basis for why boys should paint their nails or be sensitive and girls should not play football or be taken seriously for their ideas. This is not about science, it’s about power.』但就像我之前写的,刻板印象自然状况下是有道理的,因为大脑只是在走捷径。只是换到人身上,被刻板印象的人就会受伤。而且『What we achieve, how we think, and how we act, can be influenced by the expectations of those around us.』如果所有人都觉得我是一个乐观开朗的人,我也会不自觉地去符合这种期待;如果所有人都觉得我是个坏孩子,我也不会努力去做一个好孩子。所以这也是面相有的时候有点道理的原因,倒不是脸真的能决定性格,而是脸一定程度上决定了别人对你的期待,而你在无数与人相处的分秒中,不自觉地去满足了这种期待,也真的成为了这样的人。














小怪兽, 用心爱自己, 读书笔记







因为这段时间的思考,我回头在看之前旅游的时候看过的一本书,school of life的on confidence。书提到说,有的人太容易被别人的看法影响,被随便哪个陌生人骂一句也能难过一个月,其实都是因为对外部世界太信任了。



















  • 无论能力财富地位,人都不是神,其情绪动机千秋各色,自然会有各种观点
  • 所以,对社会、系统与他人的每一个观点,默认是不信任,除非证否
  • 只有自己过滤处理后的信息,才对自己有参考价值


小怪兽, 读书笔记


前两天看的《优秀的绵羊》里作为反面教材提到的一本书,《Battle hymn of the tiger mother》,今天早上给看完了。书写得挺搞笑的,其中一个很好玩的梗:美国人读完这本书,都觉得这妈妈简直严格得像个魔鬼;但是在中国,中文翻译的版本却被当做『美式自由教育』的典范。







与人的联结, 读书笔记



昨天看了一本挺有意思的书,叫《Exellent Sheep》,一位前耶鲁教授写的,讨论哈弗耶鲁式精英式教育的劣处:

  • 首先,能进入这些精英学府的都是一种特定类型的人:竞争性强、结果导向。他们想要在科目拿A,大部分不是因为对课题感兴趣,而是因为想拿A。
  • 然后,进入大学以后,环境压力与社会期望会继续逼他们走上『精英』的道路:无论专业,绝大多数毕业生都会从事法律、医学、金融三大类职业,因为去摩根斯坦利类的公司才是『会被羡慕的成功人生』。










基努里维斯说过一句我特别喜欢的话,说,我不想生活在一个善良被当做弱点的世界。但,我挺尊敬的一个人也曾经说过,kindness is an acquired taste.






  • Concentration,专注度
  • Curiosity,好奇心